It's official...

... I had my first "I hate you, Mommy!" moment last night- And let me tell you, it was NOT pretty! As those words flew from the mouth of my very angry and very, very tired 3 year old son, my heart dropped through the bottom of my chest. In that instant all of the guilt about having to work such long hours, the fear that my children will resent me for having to be the disciplinary figure in their life, the feeling of crushing failure that everything I have changed in my life and the sacrifices I have made to ensure my children's well-being are unappreciated and the intense drive kicking in that I have to try harder to be everything for them. Then came the urge to call my Mom and apologize for anything I may have said growing up that may have made her feel the exact same way I was feeling now. Any ability to be reasonable about the incident had flown entirely out the proverbial window. There were no logical thoughts running through my brain about him being too young to really understand what he was saying, that he was just spitting out words he has been told are unkind and he shouldn't say to people. No glimmering idea that the significance I was placing on the incident was completely out of proportion. Just the overwhelming emotional impact to top off an already emotionally taxing day. I bawled my eyes out. I cried for my children- that they don't have me around nearly as much as they should. That they are growing up with their family split apart. That they are the ones who innocently suffer because of the actions of the adults in their life. I cried for myself- that the dream of having a happy, traditional family had been so heartlessly shattered. That my naive, idyllic view of how my life would play out had been cruelly ripped to shreds. That I cannot give to my children everything in life that I think they should have.

All of this came exploding out much like this posting. No finesse or grace, just raw tears, heartache and pain. It slowly subsided leaving a hollow, dull ache in my chest. I finally fell asleep, exhausted and drained. With the morning light and my daily wake up call from my beautiful baby boy climbing into bed and snuggling up on my pillow for a few precious minutes, came my return to rational thinking. I can't project my own feelings and fears on others, whether 'others' is my children or anyone else. It is perfectly normal for kids to lash out  as they are exploring their own emotions and feelings and it is my responsibility to help them learn appropriate ways to express how they feel to others.

 I left for work with a smile as my son came running after me as I headed out the door saying, "Wait Mommy! Don't leave yet. I need another hug and kiss before you go to work. I'm going to miss you today." Ahhh... all is right in my world again.