Is It Inevitable?

Does becoming a mother guarantee that you become a worry wart? Growing up, I always thought my Mom worried needlessly about many things. About me being cold when I refused to take a jacket with me because I didn't have one that matched. About me driving late at night out it the boonies where we lived all by myself at the ripe old age of 16. About my choice to go to college so early, or me waiting in the car instead of going into the store with her, or any number of things I deemed completely unnecessary.

I find myself lying awake at night, staring up, as if I will somehow be able to see the answers in the patterns on my ceiling, my own version of reading tea leaves. I worry that my son has a mood disorder. I worry that I will not be able to equip him with the coping skills he will need to handle life. I worry that people will not be able to see his beautiful little heart like I do, that they will only see what a hand full he can be. I worry about my children growing up in a split family and hope that they never feel torn, just extra loved.

I debate with myself about the age old saying "worrying about it won't change a thing," and my personal belief that it is better to be prepared for the worst possible outcome and be relieved when it doesn't go that far, than to be caught unaware and blindsided by something that, had you been prepared, would have been a million times easier to handle. I have come to the conclusion that it is not healthy to obsess about things, and allow yourself to constantly run things through your head, playing through every scenario you can think of, working out every response to every situation you can fathom, trying to devise a plan for all possibilities. It is however, my belief, that a certain level of preparation is prudent and therefore allow myself to be aware of the problem, face it head on, and then try and let what will be, just be.

Good Days

I was thinking today how it seems the smallest things make the difference between just another day and the really good ones. Yesterday, it was seeing my kids so excited for their first trip to the library. Lily made a beeline to the shelves, intent on finding a pink book about animals- which she managed to do in about 3.5 seconds! Zany Zoo, which in case anyone was wondering, is the oddest collection of poems I have ever read, including one about a lazy agouti. What in the world is that you ask? (I am assuming you would ask because I surly did!) Through the wonder of Google I discovered it is a Brazilian rodent. Anyways, the lazy agout wouldn't help her sister clean and ended up getting eaten by a tiger and her sister who had worked so hard was thrilled because she got to eat both of their servings of ice cream. Pretty safe to say we will NOT be checking out Zany Zoo again.
But I degress. Next stop was the park, where Aidan's eyes sparkled as he learned new tricks on the slanted parralel bars. A boy was playing that was a few years older than him and patiently taught him how to slide down with his legs hooked over and no hands holding on. I was so proud of him for being brave. Also- a moment to cherish in my memory box was Ernesto and Lily dancing outside the car as the radio played, faces glowing, smiles so big they practically split their faces.
Spending time with my family is such an amazing feeling, I cannot imagine life without them.
I love you all.

It's official...

... I had my first "I hate you, Mommy!" moment last night- And let me tell you, it was NOT pretty! As those words flew from the mouth of my very angry and very, very tired 3 year old son, my heart dropped through the bottom of my chest. In that instant all of the guilt about having to work such long hours, the fear that my children will resent me for having to be the disciplinary figure in their life, the feeling of crushing failure that everything I have changed in my life and the sacrifices I have made to ensure my children's well-being are unappreciated and the intense drive kicking in that I have to try harder to be everything for them. Then came the urge to call my Mom and apologize for anything I may have said growing up that may have made her feel the exact same way I was feeling now. Any ability to be reasonable about the incident had flown entirely out the proverbial window. There were no logical thoughts running through my brain about him being too young to really understand what he was saying, that he was just spitting out words he has been told are unkind and he shouldn't say to people. No glimmering idea that the significance I was placing on the incident was completely out of proportion. Just the overwhelming emotional impact to top off an already emotionally taxing day. I bawled my eyes out. I cried for my children- that they don't have me around nearly as much as they should. That they are growing up with their family split apart. That they are the ones who innocently suffer because of the actions of the adults in their life. I cried for myself- that the dream of having a happy, traditional family had been so heartlessly shattered. That my naive, idyllic view of how my life would play out had been cruelly ripped to shreds. That I cannot give to my children everything in life that I think they should have.

All of this came exploding out much like this posting. No finesse or grace, just raw tears, heartache and pain. It slowly subsided leaving a hollow, dull ache in my chest. I finally fell asleep, exhausted and drained. With the morning light and my daily wake up call from my beautiful baby boy climbing into bed and snuggling up on my pillow for a few precious minutes, came my return to rational thinking. I can't project my own feelings and fears on others, whether 'others' is my children or anyone else. It is perfectly normal for kids to lash out  as they are exploring their own emotions and feelings and it is my responsibility to help them learn appropriate ways to express how they feel to others.

 I left for work with a smile as my son came running after me as I headed out the door saying, "Wait Mommy! Don't leave yet. I need another hug and kiss before you go to work. I'm going to miss you today." Ahhh... all is right in my world again.